The Meaning of Love
Let me just throw this shit together before I go to sleep. As the result of love talks with peers, self reflection, and the occasional drink I am strongly convinced that it is not in the stars for me to be in a relationship. I have completely accepted this. I have decided to stop committing and to just maintain arrangements to fulfill the occasional companionship.
I think that in all honesty, I’ve only had one long term relationship that lasted on and off for a few years. It was an uphill battle. I was in a different place and should have not been with someone. I was not emotionally available. I was so not understanding or willing to compromise. I was selfish. I was always independent and I didn’t date in high school. I always felt that I could never make time for a girlfriend, and I am right to this day.
I’m not the relationship type, because I’m beginning to not even care. I don’t invest anymore. I expect disappointment. Not to the extreme as “these hoes ain’t loyal” but I’m just not caring about those things. I work a lot, and enjoy being alone. I’m not codependent, and I don’t want validation from anybody. I don’t even care about sex because I’ve spent many years being celibate. It’s not that fuckin serious.
One of my best friends told me a long time ago that there is no such thing as “the one”. I believe this now especially after the shit that I have been through. It looks like as it stands,
I attract women who are also emotionally unavailable. They want all the rewards of a relationship, and don’t want to do any of the work. I don’t know if I attract people who are used to being taken advantage of or what, but I know that this shit is for the birds.
I’m not writing this to bash any of the people that I’ve been with because that’s messy and I’ve learned my lesson from years ago. I’m just making an observation. I guess some women really have internalized that whole “I’ve he/she treats you bad, it’s because they like you” fuckery. That shit is sad.
Black Nationalism
This has turned unfortunately into a bullshit social construct. Now granted, there are a few people that I know who actually do good work that uplifts the black community, however about 90 percent of the rest of the population fuck it up for everybody else.
Back when I was a youth and had an affinity for doing social justice work, I had various run ins from black folks who thought they was doing shit, but really weren’t. The most that they did was say that the reason why shit is bad is because black people need more
Jesus. If you know me, you know that I am convinced that Christianity is the highest form of internalized racism and would naturally find this problematic. The other problem would be some of the inter generational conflicts. They weren’t interested in youth development, but rather just keeping the kids off the street, and not giving them anything useful to function in society. Let’s not get into the negative attitudes for promoting being sex positive and the ideas of harm reduction. I actually heard someone say that you could get aids from sweating on someone. I was done at that point.
I had also made the mistake of talking to someone who possessed this construed philosophy. She epitomized everything that I wasn’t feeling about black women. In my defiance, the experience made me explore my internalized oppressions. I wanted to not pass judgement, but she only reinforced negative stereotypes of black women. Complaining, being late, being ungrateful, belittling… I could go on. The irony of course was her constantly griping about being left for a white girl.
I really don’t know what the problem is, but the community needs to get it together.
Ask.fm
This app has been my source of spastic entertainment for the past week or so. Seems as though the skeletons in my closet have been coming out to interrogate me and it hasn’t been the most pleasant of instances. Bitches seem to be bitter and want to talk shit. That’s fine because I answer everything. A lot of questions have had to do with my past relationships. Usually women asking me about my asshole ways. It’s just how I am. I know that I should not let every woman suffer for the sins committed by past lovers, and I am working hard to control that.
The Devil is a Woman
There comes a point in time where you want bitches to just leave you alone… This is completely sexist but I don’t care. There is a reason that I really stay to myself, and that is because I don’t feel like engaging in games. Surely, there are some that may be of potential interest, but I am doing the bare minimum these days. I have always been good at not giving broads more self esteem then they actually need. I don’t get clingy. I make myself scarce. I prefer the time alone. As I talk to my nephew this morning, we both agree about the lack of logic that potential girlfriends have. Seems as though they actually want the complete opposite of what they are accomplishing.
I don’t know what the fuck they are looking for. If you wanna get slapped around and treated like shit, don’t ask for that from me. I can only do the asshole thing for so long, before it gets boring. It’s like you want the best of both worlds. You want to be treated like shit and showered with gifts when it gets to be too much. Also, when you are condescending, I don’t like it. Don’t fucking patronize me, because that makes you feel better about not being accountable. I think that the new favorite is going to be (and I am not the only one in this) is going to be the “i’ve been busy” I watched something about this topic not too long ago and it was completely true. Bitch you were doing all the same shit you were doing before. Try again.
Sometimes I get plagued with these thoughts, which cause me to draw these images of flowers and snakes. I honestly don’t know where it comes from. Drawing is the way that I can convey a genuine emotion out of myself. It prevents me from completely shutting off from people and things.
Slut Years
So, earlier on today my friend and I had a discussion about relationships again. It’s funny talking about them with her, because she just keeps telling me that I should find a white girl because they appreciate shit. She told me tonight that I wasn’t manly enough because I’m too emotional when it comes to women but I don’t show it. I also have commitment issues, because I hate being disappointed.
There is this on going thing that we discuss because, she does doesn’t understand why I am never with anybody. The answer is quite simple. I am attracted to Disfunction. I like women who are crazy. I am attracted to women with attitude problems and no morals. I fall in love with women who are perceived as “bitches”. Women who are sweet and innocent bore me greatly. I prefer chaos. I like women who are not emotional so I don’t have to commit. I like arrangements, because they are all the benefits of a girlfriend without the contract.
We also came to the conclusion that you actually can turn a Ho into a housewife, because you should be allowed to give a woman a certain amount of time where she can go and slam whoever she wants in the beginning of her adult life, before she buys into the heteronormative practice of settling down. We call those “slut years” We will say that they are between the ages of 20 and 28, however they can extend based on the person. Slut years allow a woman to get a pass before marriage. The goal is for her to get all the looseness out of her system for lack of better words. This way, she would have no reason to cheat. Some people may disagree with this idea, which means that they either don’t think outside then box, or are not sexual liberals.
Single Nerdome
Upon the eve of my Star Wars tattoo appointment, I decided to write something quick before I go to sleep. I was having a conversation earlier about how it is still hard for me to date given the interests that I have. I really make the attempt to engage in conversation with like minded radical women of colour, but once the geeky/need core side comes out it basically crashes and burns.
I was talking to this one woman last year and it was going well until I made some comment about batman. Then she said that it probably wouldn’t work out, and that’s the shit I don’t like.
Why the fuck is it wrong for me to love batman?!? There is more to my existence than being radical all the time. I don’t want to talk about the systems of oppression within a social construct all the time. Maybe I want to talk about the DLC from borderlands 2 and how I’m at level 50. I can’t directly quote Bell Hooks or Audrey Lorde, but I can sure as hell tell you the names of every Robin:
Dick Grayson
Jason Todd
Damien Wayne
Tim Drake
And the fact that there was a female Robin who was Stephanie Brown. I don’t discuss feminist theory, but I can damn for sure talk about how Dr. Manhattan can kill superman based on the fact that he can control all forms of matter. I make it know that one of my most prized possessions is a Bruce Willis action figure from the movie Sin City, and I screen potential girlfriends by asking them who the best Power Ranger is. (Tommy of course)
Furthermore I admit that I prefer drawing and playing video games over sex. There has yet to be a woman to tell me otherwise.
White Girls
So as a black woman in the LGBT community, I have this on and off again conflict within myself with wanting engage in relationships with white women. The reasons are very simple… My bubbly positive not giving a fuck side thinks that I should go for it while my militant black nationalist side warns me to beware of the she-beast.
When I was a youth, I would always make these inappropriate shock valuesque statements about how I was going to marry Lindsay Lohan (per-drugs and tragedy) and run away happily ever after. This was also during a time in which I was entering an arena where I surrounded myself with “radical” people of colour that were NOT having that. Whilst learning about deconstructing oppressive systems within a social construct, it was made clear that there was no room for lusting after the oppressors female counterpart.
I began to tap into my internalised racism and constantly ask myself why I would want to be with a white woman over a woman of colour and of course the reasons were based on unsubstantiated stereotypes and media images as a result of a Eurocentric dominated world.
Now these days, I’m revisiting this subject in a somewhat tongue in cheek type of way where I use the stereotypes of white women as a way to justify my overall decisions as far as looking for potential girlfriends. Some of the reasons I came up with are:
A white woman will make me my favourite food when I’m feeling down.
A white woman would take the occasional trip to the comic book store or go with me to buy video games a d at least pretend to be interested.
A white woman will be able to get us a cab in a timely manner should we ever visit New York on holiday.
She will also respect my gender expression.
She also won’t make fun of me for loving George Michael so much.
Even my brother made the suggestion to me not too long ago that i shod find a nice white woman who will appreciate things as opposed to the women that i have been engaging with over the last year. I will keep revisiting this subject as the days progress, since this is merely an introduction to an ongoing theme.
My Manifesto for Future Girlfriends
This here is for anybody who has ever made the mistake of saying that they wanted to get to know me better… First and fur most, I am not nor have I ever been a nice person. I have come to a place where I weed out the overly sensitive, so that I respond only to those who can handle my indifference. I don’t smoke and I barely drink. I hate purple, but love pink. Tommy is the best Power Ranger of all time, and Batman is like Jesus to me. I love to draw, and these days I am going to the gym more. I hate cats, but love dogs. I don’t eat sea food, and with that said I will not go to a seafood restaurant. I don’t buy gifts, because its against my religion, don’t believe in marriage because I don’t like the idea of having half of my stuff taken away if it doesn’t work out. Lastly, I will ALWAYS be MIA on Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter, and July 4.
I wrote this because I was over this idea that I’m not manly enough for some women. Don’t get mad at me because I don’t perpetuate the negative stereotypes of men that you have grown accustomed to.
Ok Cupid
Not too long ago my “nephew” told me to download this dating app called OK Cupid. I’m really not a fan of these things because there are very few people that I find interesting on these types of things. I prefer to meet people more organically, but I’m not going to completely knock it. Anyways, I had my nephew make me a profile and write everything that I would say.
I specifically put as an option that I only wanted to talk to women of colour. So of course the fuckin things sends me all these profiles of white women. Now it’s not that I don’t like white women… Most people who know me know about the phase in my life where I lusted after them 24/7. I’m just at a place where I don’t think that I can date one. Nothing personal. Just can’t do it.
The other thing is its always white women who look like they go to the renaissance fair and I am totally not into that. I’m also not into settling down and getting married, and so it fuckin gives me profiles to women who want to start a family and shit. I really don’t feel like settling down at all, but it thinks that I should talk to someone that does? What the fuck?
It’s actually one of the most obnoxious things ever. Especially when I get random emails at 3 am saying that I have more matches.
Fuckers and Bitches
I was told to make this the title of this post from my nephew. There is a trend of this dating shit backfiring. I would like to know why these women out here don’t know how to fucking act. If I make plans with you, and you flake on me why the fuck are you going to get mad when you don’t get invited anywhere? Im not going to take you out, because I don’t expect you to show up. Why the fuck are you going to get mad when I call you a flake. That’s what the fuck you are. I can’t depend on you. I don’t want to spend time with you.
With that said, my brother and I just finished a conversation about how the purpose of dating is finding a way for the person you desire to improve your life. It could be based on looks or monetary value. It could also be someone who can challenge you to better. In my case, it would have to be a woman that I would feel embarrassed to bring around my friends. I really came close to that this year too, but I don’t know what happened.
Settling Down
I am beginning to think that people become turned off by the fact that I don’t take an interest in starting a family. I thought about the text message that I got this morning and realized that this woman that I was talking to had expressed an interest in that whole “getting married and starting a family” thing.
I always thought as a gay person, that was something that you didn’t have to worry about, but now with the whole marriage equality debate it seems as though more people are making their desire to replicate a heteronormative lifestyle more apparent. It’s not that I don’t want to get married, wait actually I don’t. I thought that I did at one point in time, but then I realized that I didn’t like the idea of some woman taking half of my stuff if it didn’t work out. And with my luck, she would walk away with my sneakers and video games.
I also feel like I’m at the age in which children get on my nerves. I don’t hate kids at all. The well behaved ones are great. People just let their kids run havoc and it irritates the hell out of me. Thats why I only go shopping at certain times of the day. I would certainly be one of those people who would not want to go to a family restaurant during certain peek times of the day, because of babies crying and kids running around. I also hate with the greatest passion when people bring their kids into the movie theatre. I don’t want to hear your kids whining and shit while I’m trying to watch this fuckin rated R movie.
I’m pretty sure that if at one point I found a woman that I felt was worthy of signing my life away to I would, but not even looking for that right now. Half the time I can’t even decide what to wear let alone who I want to spend the rest of my life with.
Shut Up Or We're Going Off The Air! 