Fuck That Bitch Part 1
So, a lot of shit has happened over the past few weeks concerning someone I use to have a relationship… I decided that I no longer wanted her in any aspect of my life. There are many reasons for this shit:
1) she’s selfish
2) everything is on her time
3) she makes shit about her
4) she is insensitive
So on and so forth. Anyways, I went to go see her because she was in town. I thought that the day went ok. Days pass and begin to feel resentment. Here I am, working on being better than I was, and here she comes bringing the worst out of me. She invited me to go to dinner and I said I had something else to do. Fuck it. I didn’t want to go, because I don’t fucking like her new bitch, and I have no problem saying that.
The following with text messages going back and forth, she says that she still has feelings for me among other things. I entertain her revelation for a few days, and then I get this phone call saying that her new bitch read the whole conversation. I was told to prepare to apologize for what happened. I said fuck that and kept it moving. She kept saying that she disrespected her relationship, or whatever she calls that shit.
I told her to go live happily ever after with that bitch and leave me the fuck alone. Once again she makes it about her saying that she accepts not having a place in my life. Bitch says that if I fell in love with someone, that she would be happy for me. Bitch I don’t fucking care. I told her ass that I wasn’t going to her fictitious wedding or any of that shit. She says that whole “I love you but I’m not in love with you shit” I say go away. Like for real this time. Good I thought…
Fast forward to yesterday morning, bitch texts me and says that in the even of the sudden death of Robin Williams and the anniversary of my friend’s death (it’s been about 2 years) she wanted to see if I was talking to anybody about what I was going through. I had to cuss her the fuck out. How dare she. I just told her that I needed her to leave me the fuck alone for a while. She said it was much bigger than that, but I wasn’t biting. How the fuck you gonna say some shit like that to somebody while they’re at work? Fuck that shit. Then this bitch is clogging up my timeline posting ignorant shit about friendship and being there for people. Fuck you! I saw you three times in the past three years. Fuck your friendship! Keep that shit for your minions.
Pride 2014
I had just realised that I had not wrote about my experience at San Francisco pride this year. I’m going to start out by saying that this will be my last one for a variety of reasons: the main one being that it has gotten progressively more infiltrated by straight people and it’s almost something that I can compare the smithsonian zoo to. It’s always these suburban white folks who pose for pictures with drag queens and folks with costumes making this experience almost a gimmick.
First of all, considering the fact that the first pride was started by mostly trans women of color, it’s become completely disheartening to constantly be bombarded with hyper masculine images of white men. A majority of the population attending we’re basically twinks and the men who love them. The Asian and Black stages were super far from the main stage, and the crowd overall was obnoxious.
The festivities in the Castro were no better. There was just a bunch of straight dudes mad because women wasn’t fuckin with them. Mothafucka it’s pride what do you expect? The bar that I happened to go in wouldn’t let my best friend in because his ID was expired, but wanted to be slipped a 100 dollars to let it slide. Get the fuck out of here.
A drunk white man was trying to lean in on me and I had to push his ass off and walk away. He kept apologising and telling me that I was right. Another reason why I wanted to go home.
I’m getting to an age where this shit is no longer fun for me. I don’t need to be around millions of people in order to her drunk with my friends and talk shit.
Burnt
I got a series of the most unnecessary text messages ever this morning. First of all, while I’m at work I keep my phone on do not disturb, so there is a possibility that I will not respond with a sense of urgency.
So this morning on a beautiful June morning, my unlimited texting was tainted by the bullshit. First of all, why the fuck are you texting me when your number is blocked from my phone? Second, I haven’t talked to you in a month, why are you texting me now? I really don’t know why my ex was empowered to bother me today and say to stop talking to her family.
Bitch, I deleted all of your family members from my Facebook page and my shit is private. Furthermore, what could I possibly tell them? That you owe me money for the phone you didn’t pay for? That you’re a selfish and inconsiderate person? That you’re dead to me and I don’t talk to spirits? I mean what the fuck are you bothering me for?
I made the mistake of saying that if she needed anything to let me know. Of course she had something fucked up to say. All the animosity for no reason. I did nothing wrong. Lol get all the way the fuck out of here.
He’s Back
I get a phone call from a random 510 number talkin about “hey best friend, it’s me” I was like, ” ok how are you”
The gay phone sex dude called today to tell me that he was on house arrest. He wanted me to come over and record him getting fucked by someone and he said that would pay me 300 dollars to do it. He asked me to tell him that he liked big black dick and to call him a bitch. He wanted me to have one of my friends fuck him also. I could tell that he was jacking off over the phone because he started moaning. No thanks.
I told him that I was on the phone with someone else. He asked me if my girl wanted to watch. I politely told him that I have no girl and I would call him back later. Which I never did.
Everybody Worth Knowing is Going to Hell
I stopped going to church when I was 11 for a few reasons. First off, it began to not make sense to me as I was developing a elementary school analysis of race. I wondered why black people and kkk members both believed in Jesus. Since Jesus said to love everybody, it didn’t make sense for white people to kill black people and love him at the same time.
The second reason was because I was figuring out my sexuality and realizing that some people would think that me liking women was wrong. Nobody told me to my face I was going to hell, but I wasn’t going to take any chances at my young age.
Third, I moved away and my mom thought it was too much work to keep going. I also really hated wearing dresses.
As I got older, the historical event of Christianity including but not limited to the crusades, colonialism, the witch trials, imperialism, slavery, and homophobia in General turned me off even more. I found myself knowing more about Christianity than some of the people I actually knew.
Some asshole asked me why I didn’t believe in God. I told him that God took my mom away. ( she wasn’t dead, but escaped an abusive relationship with her sperm donor and never looked back) Then I went into the whole thing about racist white people being Christians and hypocrisy that goes along with it.
When I started going to classrooms talking to students about my life as a homo, the question of it being a sin always came up. Since you’re not allowed to discuss religious beliefs I would just leave it at the fact that there are other sins that people always do that are over looked.
As an adult, I still get told by bible thumpers that I’m going to hell because the bible said so. My response is “until you can tell me how Jesus had silky hair in the desert I don’t care about about going to hell”
I won’t lie though, my favorite artistic period is the Italian Renaissance which features a lot of biblical master pieces by my favorite artist Michelangelo, but he was an angry gay that just wanted to get his dad out of jail so…
I think that black Christians are the worst since that shit was shoved down our throats since birth and is slowly being dismantled on an individual basis. After all, isn’t it sacrilegious to have a crab feed?
An Afterdark Tale
How could I forget this shit? I was walking home one night, and I decided to get a coke from the liquor store by my house when this dude approached me. Now at this particular place, there have been several instances in which I was approached by fuckery including a time where a dude name “Memphis” asked me to buy him a beer because he was banned for stealing. This guy comes up to me and says that he recognizes me from when I spoke to his class about 12 years ago about what it’s like to be gay. I was like ok cool and he said he wanted to keep in touch. My dumb ass didn’t think anything of it until this shit started happening…
That night, he texted me talking about if I answer the phone he would give me 50 dollars. I’m like “nah Bruh I gotta go to work in the morning. I’m going to sleep” He stopped texting me and I thought nothing of it. That was until the morning of my Washington, D.C. flight.
He called me to tell me that he thought he was gay and that he was thinking about having sex with men. I told him that my flight was about to board, but he insisted on having an in depth conversation about gay sex and things that he fantasized about doing with other men. I told him about five times that I was about to get on a plane and there were children around. I was not about to talk about big black dicks and him wanting to spread his legs open for dudes. While I was on my trip he kept calling and texting to the point where I had to block his ass until I got back to California.
He called again, but I haven’t been fuckin with him since. That shit is not what I’m trying to engage in these days. Furthermore, he called me at 6 am trying to have gay phone sex and I was not about that life. I could even hear him jacking off while he claimed to be at work.
The Meaning of Love
Let me just throw this shit together before I go to sleep. As the result of love talks with peers, self reflection, and the occasional drink I am strongly convinced that it is not in the stars for me to be in a relationship. I have completely accepted this. I have decided to stop committing and to just maintain arrangements to fulfill the occasional companionship.
I think that in all honesty, I’ve only had one long term relationship that lasted on and off for a few years. It was an uphill battle. I was in a different place and should have not been with someone. I was not emotionally available. I was so not understanding or willing to compromise. I was selfish. I was always independent and I didn’t date in high school. I always felt that I could never make time for a girlfriend, and I am right to this day.
I’m not the relationship type, because I’m beginning to not even care. I don’t invest anymore. I expect disappointment. Not to the extreme as “these hoes ain’t loyal” but I’m just not caring about those things. I work a lot, and enjoy being alone. I’m not codependent, and I don’t want validation from anybody. I don’t even care about sex because I’ve spent many years being celibate. It’s not that fuckin serious.
One of my best friends told me a long time ago that there is no such thing as “the one”. I believe this now especially after the shit that I have been through. It looks like as it stands,
I attract women who are also emotionally unavailable. They want all the rewards of a relationship, and don’t want to do any of the work. I don’t know if I attract people who are used to being taken advantage of or what, but I know that this shit is for the birds.
I’m not writing this to bash any of the people that I’ve been with because that’s messy and I’ve learned my lesson from years ago. I’m just making an observation. I guess some women really have internalized that whole “I’ve he/she treats you bad, it’s because they like you” fuckery. That shit is sad.
Warning
This here is for anybody who has ever made the mistake of saying that they wanted to get to know me better… First and fur most, I am not nor have I ever been a nice person. I have come to a place where I weed out the overly sensitive, so that I respond only to those who can handle my indifference. I don’t smoke and I barely drink. I hate purple, but love pink. Tommy is the best Power Ranger of all time, and Batman is like Jesus to me. I love to draw, and these days I am going to the gym more. I hate cats, but love dogs. I don’t eat sea food, and with that said I will not go to a seafood restaurant. I don’t buy gifts, because its against my religion, don’t believe in marriage because I don’t like the idea of having half of my stuff taken away if it doesn’t work out. Lastly, I will ALWAYS be MIA on Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter, and July 4
Redemption
I suppose I am human again…
Here I am laying here alone with my thoughts. My mind is clear and open. The same as my heart. The feelings that I have for you are unlike anything that I have ever known. I have these thoughts in my mind perpetually. I think about the time in which our eyes will finally meet. What it will be like to get lost in your beauty and the way my heart will race when I finally get to experience your hand in mine.
I have these thoughts about our first date. What we will talk about and how my funny anecdotes will make you giggle and the way ill smirk because I see you happy. The way ill be nervous, because I will think of all the right things to say and how you will tell me to relax and the words just come out.
I think about our first intimate time together and how both of us will take our time studying each others bodies and how we will give each other a piece of our soul. How we will entertain each others deepest feelings and how I will hold you in my arms and we conclude the encounter with you falling asleep listening to my heartbeat. What was once a cold dead brick of flesh squandered and neglected will become human again because of your purity and unconditional love.
I think about what it means to ask you to be my wife in the later time. How I vow to love and cherish you always. In both your good and bad days, and how I would never turn my back on you. How we would start our life together and how everyday I would fall in love with you all over again. And how I would have the chance to show you rather than tell you.
I think about what it would be like starting a family with you. Combining our name and raising a child. How I have changed from someone who resented the idea of family to a responsible adult who embraces the concept completely.
I’ve let you into some of my most deepest thoughts. I’m ready to make it reality.
Starter Lesbian
I was having dinner last night with my brother and my friend RRR, and we were having a very in depth conversation over sushi about various topics (rape, violence, class, queer issues, being gay) that made the straight white couple next to us somewhat uncomfortable to the point where they started kissing in the fucking restaurant.
We were talking about how it’s difficult for me to find someone out here because I have yet to find a woman of colour that will respect my gender expression as well as engage in the traditional practice of s&m with me. We have also come to the conclusion that I have a tendency to attract less than savoury types and therefore have been Christened by my brother as a “starter lesbian”
Basically, I have been the one in which women use as the catalyst of fuckery before they decide to go live happily ever after. It comes as no surprise since, I don’t fall into the dichotomy of a heteronormative lesbian relationship. I get to be the one that they experiment with until, they leave and assimilate into society with that marriage bullshit among other things. How it can be humanly possible for me to find these women who can not function properly in a relationship is like Chinese algebra to me.
On the opposite side, the ones I do want to be with are never available. They either have some type of issue preventing them from committing or they just don’t know what the fuck they want. Another plight of the “starter lesbian” I suppose I’ll just keep to drawing and engaging in satirical misogyny until the right woman comes along.
The Devil is a Woman
There comes a point in time where you want bitches to just leave you alone… This is completely sexist but I don’t care. There is a reason that I really stay to myself, and that is because I don’t feel like engaging in games. Surely, there are some that may be of potential interest, but I am doing the bare minimum these days. I have always been good at not giving broads more self esteem then they actually need. I don’t get clingy. I make myself scarce. I prefer the time alone. As I talk to my nephew this morning, we both agree about the lack of logic that potential girlfriends have. Seems as though they actually want the complete opposite of what they are accomplishing.
I don’t know what the fuck they are looking for. If you wanna get slapped around and treated like shit, don’t ask for that from me. I can only do the asshole thing for so long, before it gets boring. It’s like you want the best of both worlds. You want to be treated like shit and showered with gifts when it gets to be too much. Also, when you are condescending, I don’t like it. Don’t fucking patronize me, because that makes you feel better about not being accountable. I think that the new favorite is going to be (and I am not the only one in this) is going to be the “i’ve been busy” I watched something about this topic not too long ago and it was completely true. Bitch you were doing all the same shit you were doing before. Try again.
Sometimes I get plagued with these thoughts, which cause me to draw these images of flowers and snakes. I honestly don’t know where it comes from. Drawing is the way that I can convey a genuine emotion out of myself. It prevents me from completely shutting off from people and things.
Slut Years
So, earlier on today my friend and I had a discussion about relationships again. It’s funny talking about them with her, because she just keeps telling me that I should find a white girl because they appreciate shit. She told me tonight that I wasn’t manly enough because I’m too emotional when it comes to women but I don’t show it. I also have commitment issues, because I hate being disappointed.
There is this on going thing that we discuss because, she does doesn’t understand why I am never with anybody. The answer is quite simple. I am attracted to Disfunction. I like women who are crazy. I am attracted to women with attitude problems and no morals. I fall in love with women who are perceived as “bitches”. Women who are sweet and innocent bore me greatly. I prefer chaos. I like women who are not emotional so I don’t have to commit. I like arrangements, because they are all the benefits of a girlfriend without the contract.
We also came to the conclusion that you actually can turn a Ho into a housewife, because you should be allowed to give a woman a certain amount of time where she can go and slam whoever she wants in the beginning of her adult life, before she buys into the heteronormative practice of settling down. We call those “slut years” We will say that they are between the ages of 20 and 28, however they can extend based on the person. Slut years allow a woman to get a pass before marriage. The goal is for her to get all the looseness out of her system for lack of better words. This way, she would have no reason to cheat. Some people may disagree with this idea, which means that they either don’t think outside then box, or are not sexual liberals.
Disclaimer
I want to write a disclaimer while the idea is still fresh in my head and I have a little energy left in me. This is NOT a gay pride blog. I have grown up in a heteronormative world all of my life and I have gotten to the point where I don’t need to talk about my identity more than I need to. I have grown to use my sharp wit and tongue concerning these issues as my secret weapons.
I feel like that even though I don’t see myself getting married in the future, I still have to defend it to homophobic assholes that have nothing better to do with their lives that thinking about two men butt fucking to some Bjork song. I spent my years going into classrooms answering questions for the kids about gay life. This means that if you ask me some dumb shit like “why do gay men talk like that” you’re about to get a dumb ass response. I also am over “which one is the boy” there is no boy, that’s the whole fuckin point.
It’s funny how stupid can really be when it comes to these types of things… some ridiculous statements include but are not limited to…
“I used to hate gay people, but now that I have met you…” (you probably still do hate them, but you think of me as safe)
“is it bad that I am ok with lesbians, but hate gay guys” (yes, because the purpose of two women to be together is not to be a manifestation of a sexual fantasy for men. Furthermore, your dislike for gay men has to do with your misogyny and internalized homophobia and the notion that gay men want to be like women)
anything that has to do with the bible or Christianity in general ( the bible also forbids wearing gold, shaving, being in the same room with a woman on her period, shellfish… women wearing jewelry…)
You remind me of Wanda Sykes (why, because I’m gay and black)
I could can go on forever about the fuckery, but this is what I conclude the evening with.
Side Note About the Past Week
I spent a lot of this week having to defend marriage equality. I hate that shit. Although there are a lot of problems with how the campaign is going, but straight people have to shut the fuck up.
Straight people can be real irritating at times. I’m still not getting over the fact that homophobia among other oppressions are white values. With that said, white gay people need to stop condemning the black community about being non tolerant. It’s their fault that the community feels this way.
Also, comparing gay rights to civil rights. Is problematic because it still allows the white gays to exude their privilege. You can’t compare something that you can actually hide to something that has historically cause your people to have their history robbed from them.
This Equality Thing is Out of Control
Yesterday was an interesting day… I saw a lot of my friends on Facebook changing their profile pictures for solidarity as far as marriage equality. I saw a lot of folks doing the same thing on Instagram as well. The gesture is nice and all, but I have a few problems with the events of yesterday.
The first thing that people don’t acknowledge is the fact that the organizations who are spear heading this fight are problematic within themselves. Whenever I read or see anything in the media about someone doing or saying something remotely homophobic, I immediately look for a response from either GLAAD or HRC. These two organizations are rather sneaky bastards, they still run on a classist/ white supremacist platform. They are also CIS oriented and are very disrespectful to people of the transgender community.
When famous black people say homophobic things, they get railroaded and are subjected to this hyper sense of accountability and rehabilitation involving anger management classes, public apologies and so on where as white people get passes and in some instances are rewarded for their “progress” as far as learning about tolerance and other bull shit ideologies created by white people to exude their privilege and hold people to a standard they don’t even do themselves.
It’s also stupid to argue that people are beginning to accept the gay community since they get to be entertained by all the fierce fags on tv being fabulous. Watching Project Runway and RuPaul’s Drag Race is NOT supporting gay rights, and if you think it is jump off a cliff right now.
I’m really over this marriage equality thing, because its about gay white people being able to fully assimilate into a mainstream society which is ironic since homophobia is white value that stems from the influence of Christianity. It’s always funny to see the white gays get mad at the black community for being homophobic when it is in fact because of colonialism and the implementation on the bible to control that community that this sentiment exists.
I’m also curious as to what the next steps are. All these straight people wearing red for “solidarity” and there is no clear follow through.
Single Nerdome
Upon the eve of my Star Wars tattoo appointment, I decided to write something quick before I go to sleep. I was having a conversation earlier about how it is still hard for me to date given the interests that I have. I really make the attempt to engage in conversation with like minded radical women of colour, but once the geeky/need core side comes out it basically crashes and burns.
I was talking to this one woman last year and it was going well until I made some comment about batman. Then she said that it probably wouldn’t work out, and that’s the shit I don’t like.
Why the fuck is it wrong for me to love batman?!? There is more to my existence than being radical all the time. I don’t want to talk about the systems of oppression within a social construct all the time. Maybe I want to talk about the DLC from borderlands 2 and how I’m at level 50. I can’t directly quote Bell Hooks or Audrey Lorde, but I can sure as hell tell you the names of every Robin:
Dick Grayson
Jason Todd
Damien Wayne
Tim Drake
And the fact that there was a female Robin who was Stephanie Brown. I don’t discuss feminist theory, but I can damn for sure talk about how Dr. Manhattan can kill superman based on the fact that he can control all forms of matter. I make it know that one of my most prized possessions is a Bruce Willis action figure from the movie Sin City, and I screen potential girlfriends by asking them who the best Power Ranger is. (Tommy of course)
Furthermore I admit that I prefer drawing and playing video games over sex. There has yet to be a woman to tell me otherwise.
White Girls
So as a black woman in the LGBT community, I have this on and off again conflict within myself with wanting engage in relationships with white women. The reasons are very simple… My bubbly positive not giving a fuck side thinks that I should go for it while my militant black nationalist side warns me to beware of the she-beast.
When I was a youth, I would always make these inappropriate shock valuesque statements about how I was going to marry Lindsay Lohan (per-drugs and tragedy) and run away happily ever after. This was also during a time in which I was entering an arena where I surrounded myself with “radical” people of colour that were NOT having that. Whilst learning about deconstructing oppressive systems within a social construct, it was made clear that there was no room for lusting after the oppressors female counterpart.
I began to tap into my internalised racism and constantly ask myself why I would want to be with a white woman over a woman of colour and of course the reasons were based on unsubstantiated stereotypes and media images as a result of a Eurocentric dominated world.
Now these days, I’m revisiting this subject in a somewhat tongue in cheek type of way where I use the stereotypes of white women as a way to justify my overall decisions as far as looking for potential girlfriends. Some of the reasons I came up with are:
A white woman will make me my favourite food when I’m feeling down.
A white woman would take the occasional trip to the comic book store or go with me to buy video games a d at least pretend to be interested.
A white woman will be able to get us a cab in a timely manner should we ever visit New York on holiday.
She will also respect my gender expression.
She also won’t make fun of me for loving George Michael so much.
Even my brother made the suggestion to me not too long ago that i shod find a nice white woman who will appreciate things as opposed to the women that i have been engaging with over the last year. I will keep revisiting this subject as the days progress, since this is merely an introduction to an ongoing theme.
My Manifesto for Future Girlfriends
This here is for anybody who has ever made the mistake of saying that they wanted to get to know me better… First and fur most, I am not nor have I ever been a nice person. I have come to a place where I weed out the overly sensitive, so that I respond only to those who can handle my indifference. I don’t smoke and I barely drink. I hate purple, but love pink. Tommy is the best Power Ranger of all time, and Batman is like Jesus to me. I love to draw, and these days I am going to the gym more. I hate cats, but love dogs. I don’t eat sea food, and with that said I will not go to a seafood restaurant. I don’t buy gifts, because its against my religion, don’t believe in marriage because I don’t like the idea of having half of my stuff taken away if it doesn’t work out. Lastly, I will ALWAYS be MIA on Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter, and July 4.
I wrote this because I was over this idea that I’m not manly enough for some women. Don’t get mad at me because I don’t perpetuate the negative stereotypes of men that you have grown accustomed to.
Settling Down
I am beginning to think that people become turned off by the fact that I don’t take an interest in starting a family. I thought about the text message that I got this morning and realized that this woman that I was talking to had expressed an interest in that whole “getting married and starting a family” thing.
I always thought as a gay person, that was something that you didn’t have to worry about, but now with the whole marriage equality debate it seems as though more people are making their desire to replicate a heteronormative lifestyle more apparent. It’s not that I don’t want to get married, wait actually I don’t. I thought that I did at one point in time, but then I realized that I didn’t like the idea of some woman taking half of my stuff if it didn’t work out. And with my luck, she would walk away with my sneakers and video games.
I also feel like I’m at the age in which children get on my nerves. I don’t hate kids at all. The well behaved ones are great. People just let their kids run havoc and it irritates the hell out of me. Thats why I only go shopping at certain times of the day. I would certainly be one of those people who would not want to go to a family restaurant during certain peek times of the day, because of babies crying and kids running around. I also hate with the greatest passion when people bring their kids into the movie theatre. I don’t want to hear your kids whining and shit while I’m trying to watch this fuckin rated R movie.
I’m pretty sure that if at one point I found a woman that I felt was worthy of signing my life away to I would, but not even looking for that right now. Half the time I can’t even decide what to wear let alone who I want to spend the rest of my life with.
Shut Up Or We're Going Off The Air! 